Trusting Yourself Amidst Doubt
Picture from San Marcos Jiu Jitsu in San Marcos, Texas
If you follow me on social media, you might know that I train jiu jitsu. It’s a martial art where you learn to fight from the ground using grappling techniques. I’ve been training this art for almost 5 years now and every time I think I have some sort of idea of what I’m doing, I quickly relearn that I know nothing. It’s a continual ego death, where I am constantly learning humility and how to stay regulated in really intense situations (emphasis on learning because I still find myself crying after intense rounds).
This past Saturday, I went to an open mat at the gym I regularly train at. An open mat is just a time where people who train jiu jitsu get together and roll around (a “roll” is a set amount of time that you and another person are doing jiu jitsu together). An older woman who I don’t normally train with showed up and seemed really interested in rolling with me. She made a lot of eye contact and sat nearby me. She asked me my weight and then said she’s the same weight. She made a little speech about how she doesn’t like to use all of her weight, she prefers focusing on technique. I didn’t think much of all of this, so I offered to roll with her and she accepted. Then she made a comment about how tired I looked and how I was so sweaty that it looked like I had just taken a shower. Okay, enough talking, let’s just roll.
In my 5 years of training, I have rolled a LOT with a wide variety of people all over the world. I’m not saying I’m good, but just that I know what a normal roll feels like versus an emotionally charged roll. An unsafe roll. This roll felt unsafe to me, like she was using every pound of her body to pin me down to the ground in a way that was very aggressive, so I made a joke to try to ease the tension. “Are you trying to kill me?”
She instantly sat back, frowned, and mumbled, “Sorry.”
Her response confused me. I thought she might just joke back, get the hint, and roll lighter, but she completely stopped.
I said, “It’s okay, it makes me better. I was just surprised that you’re going so hard.”
She looked at me and said, “I barely have any energy left in the tank.”
This is when my body KNEW that something was wrong. I said thank you for the roll and walked away.
If I’m being completely honest with myself, that woman was probably telling me her own personal truth. But that truth was very different from MY truth. After that interaction, I broke down sobbing. I felt so manipulated. She made comments about my body, she was aggressive, and then she lied about it. I didn’t understand why I deserved that behavior. I treat people well, I don’t comment negatively on people’s appearances, and I don’t compare my body to others. Why did she treat me like that when I never did anything to her? It just felt so unfair. And like nobody was ever going to call her out for her behavior.
But this is the work of trusting myself. I have to know what my values are and act in line with them. This lady represented more than just one person, she represented a whole ideology about how to behave. She projected her ideas of body image by asking how much I weighed and comparing herself to me, and by telling me I looked tired and sweaty. She invalidated my reality by telling me my perspective was untrue. That shows me how she values putting down her training partners instead of uplifting them. And in the moment, it felt really isolating. I felt like the bad person. But I wasn’t!
In reality, this was all a reflection of two people who value different things. Instead of letting her values re-write my values, I need to trust in my own values. I have been very intentional about deciding on my values (love, authenticity, strength, curiosity, safety, fun) and I will not let someone’s unintentionally poor behavior make me question myself.
If you’re doing work like this, where you’re trying your best to be a good person, and you’re doing the work to become even better, then there are always going to be people in your life who will question you and make you doubt yourself. I believe that if you have been intentional in picking your values, then you will be stronger in the face of adversity. Yes, that woman filled me with doubt and sadness, but instead of folding and going along with her ideology, I was able to keep moving forward as my true self. I was kind, I expressed my feelings calmly and nonviolently, and I walked away instead of engaging with negativity.
The more that I remind myself of who I truly am, the better I feel about myself.
If you are curious about defining your own values, here is a free values activity that can help you: https://drjennyshields.com/values-card-sort/
I hope this helps at least one person! If it does, I would love to hear about it. Feel free to contact me or you can send me a DM on instagram!